Fashionably late to Jens

1) There have been many, including when I drove to Target solo only to realize I left my wallet and returned home to realize my wallet was actually in the car only to realize my babysitting time was over. There was also the time I got legitimately beat in a game of soccer by a four-year old, and when Josie figured out how to open a sippy cup before me. But I have to say that the most demoralizing moment of the week was when baby Rita threw a box of macaroni and cheese at my head and it knocked me over.

2) As we ate my lazy crock pot creation of mexican chicken, James, attempting to gain the favor as favorite child, and since the main ingredient is cheese, declared, “Mom, this is my favorite meal!” Thankful and relieved, I replied in all sincerity, “thank you, I made it with love.” “What is love?” he asked. Both parents tried their best to offer intelligent, age appropriate answers, involving an emphasis on God and an appreciation of others. With confidence and pride in our responses, we, once lovebirds, and now parents, fully capable of addressing the existential roots of our four-year olds life, received a follow-up. “Thank you, that’s good. My second question is: what is a coffee filter?” Back to reality we went.

Other questions James, our four-year old, asked included:

“Do you have a headache because you have a hangover again, Dad?”

“Is there a real bone in my bonehead?”

“When is Jesus actually going to come for dinner? And do we only get to eat bread? Or can we eat some steak?”

“Um mom, I just checked the time on your phone and it says ‘dinnertime.’ Where’s my food?”

3) The pungent stench indicated squashed stink bug indubitably. I looked around, opened her hands to investigate, but was halted by her baby death grip. Then, as she giggled her way past me, proud of her escape, the evidence was slobbered on the floor. The bug’s remains were chewed to the crisp and seemingly enjoyed. And to anyone who believes stink bug stench is bad, its much worse on a baby’s breath and somehow lasts for hours.

4) Last week our newly repaired car was returned to us due to an incident involving a side mirror, a garage, and me. Tomorrow it will return to the repair shop for the exact same reason.

5) If I could adopt any of my children’s qualities for my own, it would be the ability to see the world as an imaginary wonderland in which side-walk salt is delicious rock candy, drizzled romantically on the ground beneath my steps just waiting to be tasted and enjoyed, because why wouldn’t a magical candy fairy surprise me with sparkling treats after a trip to the library? Although I squeezed Josie’s cheeks to release the toxic solid antifreeze from her mouth in record time and tenacity, I did feel a bit guilty about bursting her perceived magical experience.

6) Parent tip: If a new babysitter is coming to the house to meet the family and consider working, it is best to know the location of the children. After 15 minutes we found them in my closet underneath a pile of just recently organized clothing, but boy, was that embarrassing.

7) Do yourself a giant favor and Meet Shyla. She’s hilarious and Christ centered, beautiful and simple, talented and efficient in the kitchen, and God’s most recent gift to the internet full of mom bloggers. She has coined the phrase Motha Blogga and I will forever be eternally grateful. Follow her, like her, send her a line, tell her how beautiful her new haircut is, and how funny it is that she thinks she looks like Mrs. Hughes. And Shyla, you are welcome for the 2-5 visitors.

Peace, peeps.