Confessions of a Mom on Vacation

1. My Children Find it Peculiarly Uncomfortable in a Clean Car

He sat in the same position as he does at home, in the center car seat, of a minivan we do not own, that several families use in this Florida paradise. His eyes spoke confusion, his brow once again burrowed with a non-standard operating procedure question, the stress indicated by the slight scream in his voice and sporadic kicking of his legs. His eyes looked down to the floor below him, “Mom!!! There is no mess on this floor!!!!!”

2. Clichés Exist in All Languages, including Broken English

We happily played on the beach. James through sinking rockets into the waves scrambling to retrieve each on within .5 seconds of throwing it. Josie ran in and out of the ocean insisting, “I’m swimmin! Watch me, watch me!” on repeat. Rita ate her weight plus Jim’s in sand, using a shell as her spoon, unaware that the whole food version was the utensil. Jim and I stood, soaking it in, enjoying the occupation of each happy kid. A middle age couple walking the beach wearing suits indicating a foreign country, most likely European, but maybe Brazilian, origin. He looked at us, counting with his hand, pointing to each child. He waved his hand and gestured strange things. The French accent was immediately apparent, offering full discloser to the swimsuit fashion. “You!” he began, “you have…” “how you say?…hands!! yes, hands. Your hands, uh, um, they are very, uh uh FULL!”

3. The Best Vacation Plan is to Bring as Many Grandmothers as Possible, Even if Only for a Few Days.

There were three of them. It was glorious. They said things Moms dream of: “Can I hold her?” “Please let me feed her.” “Why are you up so early, its only 8:45, go back to bed, the kids are so good!” “How about I watch them and you go for a run?” “I think you and your husband should walk the beach and go to dinner tonight alone.” “I would love to change a diaper.” “They seem like best friends.” “Your children are so well behaved.” “What would you like for lunch?” “I’ll make dinner, you sit.” Relation to your children is irrevelant. Grandmothers of all kinds are wonderful Additions to a beach vaca.

4. Swim Diapers are a Bigger Sham than Diaper Genies

They quite literally do nothing but make a number 2 vomit inducing, and with so many fish in the ocean, does it really matter?

5. Bathing has taken a Vacation, too.

I hear salt water is almost as good as soap, or maybe that’s my imagination giving me hope, whatever, they seem very clean.

6. When most of the city’s inhabitants average age is above 78, children in Mass can pretty much do whatever they want.

Josie grabbed a strange old lady’s cane, Rita pooped everywhere, everyone was still so adorable to an old person.

Happy Swimming!