Mom confessions

1) We ran family errands on Thursday. Stop one: charcoal for our grill. The destination is entirely too far for three year olds still learning how to wear underpants. But, when you buy your husband a Big Green Egg grill, you agree to joining a weird grill cult in which there is only one place to buy charcoal and its really far away. Stop two: Jim “forgot” to eat breakfast. He insisted Wendy’s was our only choice. I have literally never heard my back seat more quiet. I called a “not it” on diaper duty and let it go. Stop three: The health food grocery store. It seemed like the most reasonable of destinations after a visit to the Redhead’s. It had so much great stuff to equalize the french-fry binge, and minus the few hipsters sipping coffee in between bites of kale, it was completely empty. My excitement began to dissipate when everyone started screaming (except Rita of course). James demanded dairy free ice cream (I’m positive he would have spit it out). Josie threw asparagus, James threw some weird type of sausage, Rita laughed at hipsters who looked at her like an alien making them so so so uncomfortable, and Jim’s frustration grew with the number of items I put in my cart. It was most definitely the most children and teary mucus the store had ever seen, and we are most most most definitely never wanted back (shopping carts in those places are small for a multiple baby-carrier not welcome reason.)

2) After a few promising trips to the bathroom, Josie received underpants in her Easter basket. Tonight, I learned, the hard- bacteria filled mess- way, that she is not even a little bit ready for them.

3) This evening marked a very special occasion for the family. We played our very first family boring game: Candy Land. The Lord of the LIcorice is just as terrifying as he used to be. And I am entirely too competitive to ever ever play a game with two toddlers and a baby.

4) I thought that filling our Easter Eggs with agave nectar jelly beans would make the all day candy fest less disgusting/sickening/too many diaper bombs. It makes absolutely no difference.

5) The Easter bunny (the Easter bunny sucks, why isn’t Jesus enough?!) brought us terrible head colds. Today, I fell asleep for 35-45 seconds on the couch while the kids were playing/spreading snot everywhere. I woke up to James and Josie stuffing jelly beans in Rita’s mouth. When I sternly said (loudly yelled at them) “you will make her choke,” James told me, “It’s ok mom, I already chewed them for her.”

6) I’ve known for a while that my youth is dying or is already dead. Today’s friend’s birthday/Easter celebratory trip to Sephora offered further confirmation. When asked, “which free product would you like?” I responded, after counsel from my friend, “the wrinkle cream.”

7) Additional dying youth evidence: I recently bought a new vacuum and was excited about it.

8) And in other vacuum news, the anti-1950’s housewife feminists are really missing out on a few things. Vacuuming is, in fact, much more fun when wearing fancy jewelry and heels.

9) Regardless of my excitement over my new vacuum and discovery of high fashion cleaning, my floors are still really, really dirty.

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